What do I call "them"?

I have had many well meaning white people ask me how African-Americans prefer to be addressed. To which I respond, “depends on the person. You should ask them.”

While this is true, I’m not authorized to speak for anyone else, that answer ignores what the questioner really wanted to know. In the name of being helpful here are a few easy tips.

Start with African-American. This is the most PC, is generally safe, and where you should start if you have any doubts. The term can be seen as a bit too formal or official, or someone may just not like the term, but it is not offensive.
If someone wants to be called something else, they will let you know.

My wife describes herself as “black”. There is nothing wrong with a white person saying the word black. I once watched an inexperienced white person try to describe another person who was black. We all knew the one being described was black and I chuckled as the describer used every description he could think of, except the color of his skin, to describe him. Once this awkward profile was given I asked the guy being described if he was black. “Yup”, he replied. “You cool with that?” I asked. “Of course,” was his reply. The original describer looked at me in horror as I asked these questions. He was obviously not comfortable even mentioning race in mixed company. He is not alone.

Now between black and African-American, the latter is safer. It’s an easy rule, now relax.

But don’t relax so much that you turn off your brain and do something regrettable.
Remember black is an adjective, not a noun. My wife is a black woman, not a black. She is a person not a color and if you call her something that describes her as less than a person don’t expect to be friends. I’m sure you wish to be considered human as well.

Just because someone else says it doesn’t mean you can too.

Your Mom tried to teach you this about all sorts of things while you were young. Where most of us go wrong in bringing this early life lesson to racial names is we tend to think of the “If all your friends were jumping off a cliff would you want to do that too?” speech. Jumping off cliffs is stupid and no one should do it. What we should recall is the “Just because I do (A) doesn’t mean you can too. You are too (young, small, whatever)”.
In other words, just because you hear a black person use a certain “N” word, does not make it O.K. for you. EVER!
You can have your opinion on if black people should say that word, but keep it to yourself. A white person telling a black person their opinion on black people using the “N” word would be like me telling some strange woman what underwear she should wear; its none of my business, has nothing to do with me, and is just generally inappropriate.

Now I know most of you black people don’t need my help in addressing white people but let me add my two cents.
Stop using displays of stereotypical behavior as proof of whiteness and stating it out loud in mixed company. As in, “look at him dance, you know he’s white.”

The word white is not synonymous with: nerd, slow, smart, rich, rhythmically challenged, lame, uptight, lack of jumping ability, racist, or even Republican. Using it as such, even when being funny, only confuses white people and deepens the wedge between our groups.

Just realize that no matter how different you think “they” are, you are talking to a person. Treat them like one.